I used to come here to Hengistbury Head when I was first living in the UK. And especially during the lockdown, it was amazing to have this place to come to when things were really dark.
Unfortunately, I subsequently learned that things can get much, much darker. When I got Covid, I didn’t get better and I kept not getting better until I realised I have long Covid and there’s very little support for millions of people living with this devastating condition and similar ones.
Since this year, I’ve basically become housebound, so this place and the outside world in general just seems like a myth now that I hope to return to one day, but right now all I can think about most of the time is just survival.
Long Covid is so, so isolating and it makes you lose things that you didn’t realise you could lose. And while you’re going through all this, the world goes on and pretends that people like you simply don’t exist because by acknowledging us, you would have to change your behavior, you would have to be unhappy with the way the governments all over the world are handling things.
So, if anyone’s here listening to this extremely chaotic, incoherent message, I’m sorry about that. If you’re here, then I’m happy you get to be here, but please keep me in mind and not just me, but all the other people who are locked in their houses.
Or worse, bed bound, living in the darkness, not seeing the world, not hearing anything because their bodies can’t tolerate it. This world is so difficult to survive in and one of the few things that I realised helped me over the years was going on really long walks in nature, in the city, anywhere I happen to be, just walking around, helped me somehow to be more grounded. Or dissociated sometimes when I needed to be, just seeing people, dogs, cats, trees, the sea, especially the sea, listening to music whilst going nowhere.
It was one of my favourite things to do and not just by myself but with my partner as well. And now I simply don’t know if it’s been taken away forever or if I just have to wait longer. And how much longer?
Each day that goes on, as the world passes me by and forgets that I ever was a part of it, it’s getting more and more difficult to find a reason to want to be here. Well, that just got really dark. Anyway, thank you for hearing me.
And yeah, please don’t let us disappear.
